“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
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I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight