Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
You Might Also Like
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
“our sushi is very fresh”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket