Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
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Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here