Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
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boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.