Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
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Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
*offers Batman cough drops*
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.