I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
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My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
We need to put an American base on the sun
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Coffee for people with no kids