A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
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My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.