Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
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Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?