I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
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To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Pretty much. 🤣
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
shut up and take my money
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?