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Take my advice, I’m not using it.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I need to get some bricks…
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Merry Christmas