anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
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Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
a fate I wish upon no one
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
this could fix me
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂