“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
You Might Also Like
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
*weighs self after shaving