Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
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I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.