My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
You Might Also Like
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery