I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
You Might Also Like
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
I falcon love using swear birds
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
S/o to @funTweeters .
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!