I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
You Might Also Like
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.