Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
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When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
emergency phone
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate