My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
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Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?