You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
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…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Okay
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one