Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
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#Caturday
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
😆this is so true
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”