Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
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If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
TRAIN’S HERE
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing