Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
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[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
😲 WTF? 😆
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”