🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
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It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Terribly Tuesday.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”