I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
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ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet