I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
You Might Also Like
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff