Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
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Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.