4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
You Might Also Like
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!