If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
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ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.