I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
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Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Ladies, why y’all do this?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂