It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
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Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Name this drama.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.