Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
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[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
“What movie?” 🤔
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.