Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
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Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.