I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
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[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
kitchen magnet
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty