my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
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Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Camping tip: No.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
The Friday File.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.