1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
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I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Don’t snitch tag.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*