I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
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National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking