I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
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*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I came this close!!!!
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁