I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
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I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet