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history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse