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“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
secret recipe
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw