ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
You Might Also Like
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
All set.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup