She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
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Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
❤️❤️❤️
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.