If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
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My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too