If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
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Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Go girl power!
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*