I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
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I hope google does well on my son’s test
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Here’s a meme
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
synchronized noseblowing
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My work here is don’t.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.