INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
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I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Ferrari squats
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.