Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
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Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Mornin
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Put a ring on it
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence