[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
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I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
called in thicc to work this morning
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.