Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.