i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
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Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
❤️🦆
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
mumsnet is amazing
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?